Am I Happy?

Michael J. Fox said:

“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.”

Wow. Just Wow.

My acceptance is a direct correlation to my happiness. I also agree that my expectations suck, and I should just go along for the ride and enjoy the surprises- good or not so good. Life is about the journey. Life is about finding ways to fill precious time in the best ways, so that we can make a positive impact somehow. In order to give back, you have to be free. Free to live, love, express, cherish, grow, change, adapt, reach and retract.  You also have to be willing to accept that the other person or people in your life, are individuals that do not think or act just like you.

I used to think that I knew X better than he knew himself. That is the farthest from the truth. Maybe I was suckered into that belief because Stevie Nicks had a one liner about that. Who knows. What I do know, is that each person, whoever they are, are the only ones that KNOW who they are, what they feel, what they think or do not think. I do not know someone better than they know themselves. We are all complicated creatures with layers and layers similar to an onion. We cannot possibly know someone better than they know themselves.

In meditation practice the other day, I focused on accepting others totally. For who they are, totally.  I focused on visualizing me talking to X, for instance, and telling his spirit that I accept him, totally. All of him. All of his quirks. All of him. I cannot change us, unless I change my thought direction. In truth, I never really tried to accept him before at all. In a pyramid chart, my expectations were at the top tier,  layers and layers over my relationships (at the bottom).

In example, because I love real life stories:

I worked hard on a LARGE case for work.  For MONTHS. I deliver.  I deliver hard. The broker chooses to put his business elsewhere for whatever reason. My expectation is that my company will secure the business, as I have gone above and beyond for this account. Reality is tricky. Acceptance is tricky. The broker can do whatever he/she wants. Period. I expect this to go my way, then it doesn’t. Okay. I can either get pissed, write off the broker, sulk and freak out about the state of my position. Or I can act with grace and remain the bad ass professional that I am. My expectations were not met, frankly I was used. I am choosing to treat the broker like the million bucks they are, continue to work as hard regardless of whether the business is there or not, and smile. I find solace that I can and did deliver. I can only control me and my emotions. That’s it. Pretty darn simple. I accept that. Now, who is to say that this said broker won’t put another large opportunity on my plate as a result of my total support and acceptance of his choice for his client, my acceptance that I did what I was charged to do, and that the Universe has something else in mind.

H.Ryan’s mind is shifting, and I love it. I feel comfortable in the unknown, because the Universe has my back. X, my Alcoholism, work, my family- all of that, as long as I stay sober and try to do the best I can with what I have.


Live free if you can.



We All Float Down Here…

As you know by now, I am into anything and everything that can or may or does make me feel better. Better physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally? I am game!

X and I went to Urban Float yesterday at 5:00 p.m. Before I go into the ordeal that was the float in the big old bathtub with salt, I can report that I have never slept better in MY LIFE. EVER.  I am Dracula. I have risen.

Probably bad timing with Jesus and Easter and things coming up…

So, you sign your life away on an I-Pad, watch a 6 minute video, then select your music and how and when it will play. TOO MANY CHOICES.  Then the hippy dippy lady with over the top eye makeup leads you into a little room. You see the blue glow coming from an alien pod and a shower to the side of the room. First, you shower off with their fancy shampoo, pop the ear plugs in, then plop into the big salty bath tub. What they do not tell you is that things kind of tingle, and things also kind of burn. Also, if you get the Epsom salt in your eyes, it freaking burns. BURNS. (Think Reagan saying “It Burns Us” from The Exorcist with that voice. Yep, that was me. ) I , of course, did not elect to put the towel near the pod, so after flailing around, playing with the noodle, swimming and pretending to be 5 again, I had to get out of the tub mid way through the session, bang my head twice on the pod thing (not for tall people), then dry my eyes with said towel, then hop back in (hitting head), and plop- burn, plop, flail. REST.

I did get into a deep meditation for a good 10 minutes. It WAS worth it. It WAS pretty cool. Even though I probably could have been more comfortable in my own bath with the lights out, it was interesting. I did find that I needed to relax, and this FORCED me to relax. My idea of meditation is peaceful and light mostly. This was intense, lonely, and for a solid 10 seconds when the lights first went out, really terrifying. I was able to connect with my body and soul on a new level, and it felt like I was being guided in lieu of directing my own way to relax; to meditate.

X, surprisingly had a great and calm experience. I was scratching to get out of the pod like a turkey trying to escape Thanksgiving, and he said that he was actually sad that it ended. I thought, me, being the new champ of healing and knowing thyself, would make this experience a piece of cake. NOPE. I was wrong.

I do feel rested, free, confident and fun today. I’ll roll with that… Just not naked and wet. Well, when I say it like that…

Today is our couples Thai combo massage. Hopefully this will be an easier experience…

Stay Tuned!

H. Ryan


Let’s get Physical.

So, the soul feels pretty good, the universe is doing its thing, my drinking is at bay, my mind is clear, my heart is open. Now, the next step: Let’s get physical!

I have never struggled with my weight. I was a professional ballet dancer at the age of 11, and moved away from my family to dance with a company another state away. I was anorexic as most dancers are, and still have a weird relationship with food. I enjoy moderate exercise, and like to sweat. Here is the thing. I always start something, am very good at what I try, then after showing promise, I GIVE UP.

That’s what I do.


So, my goal right now is to lose 30 pounds. 30. What old H. Ryan would do would be to lose 10-15, easy, then go right back to the old ways.

X is an MMA fighter, so we do share the bond of athleticism.

X and I are doing this together. Maybe, if  WE can accomplish our fitness goals in a combined effort, it will show us both that we can do anything together!

Bye bye Starbucks and chocolate coffee beans!

Food Plan: Protein Shakes, Coffee, Water, Sparkling Water, Fruits, Veggies, Lean Meat, Unprocessed Food, Grains, you know… healthy. We are both ready.

Exercise: Everyday do something active for at least 30 minutes.

My body issues:

Stomach, arms, tone legs, raise butt.

Day 1. GO.

H. Ryan



Parks and Rec.

This weekend was the best! X and I had an amazing weekend together. We sipped lattes, ate cookies, walked for miles in a local park, tried to rent bicycles at several rent-a bike spots (The effort to try was cute, as I really wanted to attempt to ride a bike), walked, talked, laughed. We even booked a couples massage for Tuesday, and we are going to try to float this evening to relieve stress and experience what it’s like to be in space! (Urban Float) Right now, all things are calm and good.

I have a problem with my neck. I think I pulled a muscle or something. Hopefully between the water float and the Thai-combo massage, I will be back to almost new in no time.

Busy, busy week. My event for work is this at the end of the week, I have a rather large conference call at 12 today. I just cancelled therapy tomorrow… To be fair, my therapist cancelled on me last week, so I don’t feel too bad bailing tomorrow. I am trying all kinds of new therapies, tools, and tricks for living. Enjoying a sober St. Patrick’s Day was really eye opening. The idea of going out and drinking shots and copious amounts of green beer sounded exhausting, so I did the opposite and had a blast in the sunshine!

X admitted that he needs to try to remember that I am struggling still with this. This disease. Since he is not, X at times, forgets that this is tougher for me than for him. X wants to be more proactive and wants this to work. We both love each other and know we don’t want to be apart, but I asked why this is different this time. It’s simple really. Either my books and tools and talking therapies worked in the matter of days (, or X just woke up. Either way, without expectations, yet putting our best foot forward, this works for now. I am hopeful that we find our way this time. If not, I am strong enough to walk on. I think X and I both are, yet neither one of us wants to throw in the towel. X even entertained the idea of moving to Colorado. I do know this. Our lease is up at the end of September, and at that time a lot of decisions will need to be made. I am giving this over to the universe. There.

Our Urban float appointment is at 5, so I will let you know how it goes!

Happy Monday!

H. Ryan


Magick of St. Patty’s Day!

The weekend to party hard is here, y’all. I have always loved St. Patrick’s Day. Good, Irish Punk music, little kiddos touring around town doing Irish dance, GREEN everything, pinches and kisses and laughter, Blarney Stone memories, my mom shopping QVC all day so she can buy fun garments and decor from Ireland. It’s just a great time. This weekend, without booze, I am going to have a blast, and unlike last year, I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to cry.

As you know, I live in a large city and the part of the city I live in is surrounded by beautiful things, entertaining events, and of course, the lovely people. Now, after about a half day of day drinking, these lovely people at these fabulous events eating and drinking merrily, do eventually turn into Mr. Sloppy, Mrs. Sadness, Mr. Fights too much, and of course, Mrs. I want to kiss and hit on your man. I hate those people when they show their true colors. For me, I can become any of those characters at any point in time when I drink. My most common character that likes to come out in me specifically, is Mrs. Angry. Mrs. Angry is loud, obnoxious, overly intoxicated, doesn’t make too much sense, and is horny and upset about that too. She is ugly and quite boring to be around. Her makeup looks on point, hair looks shiny, and though the outside of Mrs. Angry can seem feisty and alluring to a lot of men and women, she is really nasty, and I don’t care for her to come out and play.

I have to play this weekend out in my head. At least today. What would happen if I picked up and partied hard with all of these characters? Sequence of drunken events:

1: Green Beers – Let’s say first 5: (Time span is a little over an hour) Mrs. Angry is at bay as long as she doesn’t get bored or feel ignored.

2:  Shots will come in now, because she will be bored and will stew about X

3:  Whoohoo Syndrome.

3 shots kick in and my disease likes it. For maybe 15 minutes… I feel elated and fun.

4:  Whoohoo Syndrome stops at some point soon and Mrs. Angry is in the wings.

5:  Some belligerent asshole picks a fight small or large and Mrs. Angry comes out

and engages. Maybe Mrs. Angry picks the fight.

It could also be a look that Mrs. Angry doesn’t appreciate… doesn’t matter.

6:  Annoyance = more drinks and move to a new location/ new bar.

1:  Start the process again. Angering myself more and spreading the negativity to more people. Bar to Bar to Bar to Bar. All day. All night. Not eating. Picking up cigarettes too. Great…..

The night will NEVER end up FUN and lighthearted.

H.Ryan turns into Mrs. Angry, Mrs. Annoyed, Mrs. Bored = No FUN, Forgetting the entire day and everyone I met anyway, H.Ryan gets home and cries and feels like an idiot. That’s the good way out of the day.

Worse shit that could happen in reality = H.Ryan doing something or lots of things she regrets, maybe ends up in jail again, maybe end up drinking like I used to and getting alcohol poisoning, falling and hurting myself again, perhaps, dying. Now, if I don’t die this time, I will keep drinking to ease the hangover throughout the weekend and it will go from slip to binge to back into this full force, Relapse.

Thoughts kill us unless we are aware and take the time to do a walk through like this to really put things into perspective. As you can see, this is not a scientific sequence of events. Some or all of things may or may not happen.

What I do not get for the life of me is that if I was told that I could die from eating a piece of poisonous food, I wouldn’t eat it. Why doesn’t that just click for me regarding drinking?

May the luck of the Irish be with us all.

Love and Light!

H. Ryan




Breaking the Cycle On Purpose.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I love that old adage, maybe a bit too much. I really hate change, but it seems like us alchy’s change chaotically all of the time anyway. For those who don’t believe me, read my blog and it will make you see triple in the direction my mind takes off.

X and I spoke about what had happened in the last seven days. I was asked a question that I found to be utterly absurd and downright pathetic. I was asked “How much is something suppose to change in just one week?” I had to really think about that. For someone who is ACTIVELY doing everything under the sun to do something a little better, a little outside of the box, and try to stay sober each day, that pissed me off. I responded, “Actually, each day you are given a new day, a new opportunity to do more. Seven days may not seem like a big deal, or enough time to do a 180, but you can see a difference in anyone regarding anything if they just push the start button and GO. Of course nothing will change or become better if stagnation takes over.” This was hilarious, as we just painted together, purchased new decor for “our apartment”, he was affectionate and attentive. Here we go again. He pulls me in like a rubber band, and then snaps. I am tired of mending an old, stale, broken rubber band, so it can stay broken this time. It will stay on the floor until it gets vacuumed up, because that is it’s importance now. Garbage. X tried to hold me. I retracted. This is done.  So, I will not take this relationship experience as a bitter one, but I will try to learn from it so I will not be in this same spot ever again.

My mom is going to her doctor today, and there is a pretty good chance that  she could wind up in the hospital for a while. Depending on what they find, I may need to travel back East for a little while. I have a monumental work event next week, and then thereafter, I can go. X will watch the cats, so that’s cool. You know, I think he loves the cats more than me. I’m not saying that to sound pitiful, but I finally do see now what has always been there. He is not ready for a future with me, he is not in love with me, and he likes to live here because he loves the nice apartment, food, and cats we share. Okay. I have FINALLY broken the cycle of denial that I badly wanted to keep repeating. Guys, I have done some work over the last 7 days. I have read 4 relationship and self – help/ discovery books, tried to use the tools I learned to communicate, even with my career, and things are improving. Things improved for HIM quite a bit actually. For me, the efforts toward the relationship did nothing for me but trigger me to want to drink. That’s the truth. I do not need this garbage every single day I wake up. Every day I wake up more miserable and confused, and this shit has got to stop. By the way, those books have a lot of sound advice, but don’t get it twisted. If you are working with a guy like X, this backfires because you still get NADA back. I know, I know, what you put out you get in return and blah blah blah. I’m over putting out anything else. I am tapping out, and once I’m really done, I’m done.

There may be some wisdom coming from those experts that say not to get too involved romantically with someone for a year. I don’t want to be a NUN for a year, that in itself will trigger me to drink. What I can do, is make new friends and not have expectations with new people I come into contact with. I can do that with NEW people. It’s damned near impossible to do that with X. So I won’t worry about that anymore.

So here we go, reactivated my membership and I even reached back out to Mr. T, and to my surprise he is being very nice, even though I dumped him before date 2… It’s just a distraction for today, but it’s helping me to feel a little prettier and a little more accomplished. Who knows. What I do know, is that I am tired, so I’m passing this off to the universe.

Hugs and Coffee!

H. Ryan

Vibrator is to Vagina as Hammer is to ________.

My daily routine has changed up quite a bit. Some things, for the better. Some things, will become for the better.  Something I have been trying to do a lot more lately is to read books. Real ones. Also, I have elected to use the silver vibrator I purchased right before New Years Eve.

Talking about New Years Eve and sexy things, I have to share this with you. My last New Years was probably one of the saddest and most HILARIOUSLY GREAT times on New Years I have ever had.  That includes the time when my first ex-husband proposed to me on New Years Eve. (Sorry, G.) I was on the wagon but off the wagon with X, of course. Though we played out scenes from the movie, The Break Up, the entire week and day leading up to New Years, as you probably guessed it, we spent New Years Eve separately. Hell, Christmas was separate too. Who was I kidding, right?

X was on the couch for the day and evening. I went to a local meeting place for AA like minded folks, ate Fajitas, enjoyed the conversation, and watched THE BEST DRAG SHOW EVER. The actors were all dressed up like Disney Princesses and Villains. There was singing, dancing, Lady Gaga songs. You know, all the fixin’s. Oh, and you know that song where the chick talks about being a rebel? Picture this: Princess Aurora as a burly man in a pink dress singing it, and prancing beautifully around. I loved it, and I was sober for the first time on New Years Eve since King Henry VIII’s reign. I was Anne Boleyn in a past life, by the way. The end of the evening finished sadly however; as I rushed back to the apartment, saw X alone on the couch, and I immediately I left the apartment again. I went to the local place across the street (Literally in my back yard) with some friends. J, one of my good girlfriends, really saved my ass that night. Though J and I don’t get together much, she is a fantastic friend and I am thankful for her. Glad she doesn’t drink either. BONUS.

Sober and without a kiss on New Years Eve.

The silver lining? Ursula on the mic singing All About That Bass.

Just like my vibrator.

Love, Light and Orgasms to YOU!

H. Ryan