My God, what a fantastic day.
I woke up prepared and ready for a very important meeting. I arrive timely after an hour and a half drive, and to my surprise, my guys weren’t even at the office yet. The beginning of the meeting could have easily turned into the end in 5 minutes, when they had no real idea as to why I was even there. Great… Long story short, since business is so thrilling, I, with my sober mind and attitude, pivoted with style, closed the deal anyway, and walked out with ease. BAM!
This would not have been the case, had I been drinking last night. The old H. Ryan would have gotten annoyed, not lost her cool, but would not have pushed on. I know this. H. Ryan would have woken up in a panic, probably late, freaking out about my outfit and hair. Deciding whether I should ho-bath it, or speed to get there if I wash my head. Then, there was the smell. Did I smell like booze? I knew that I smelled like an old bar… Was I going to shake? I would do that breath check thing, and nope, more gum. I’m probably still drunk a little. I should not even drive… I’m exhausted, but if I drink coffee the caffeine will send me into a panic attack. Maybe I should have a beer to avoid the panic attack… AWFUL! Right? Now, get in the car and make a sale. Close a deal. Make money. Then, I would not have closed anything. Not today…
Note, I have regularly spoken in front of groups, met with 50 million dollar people, hosted webinars, all while experiencing and living through a panic attack. You just try not to pass out, not think about it, and maintain a positive face. If it was really bad, sometimes I would just do it intoxicated, and not try to get too mouthy… I can be quite effective when I have a buzz… but I won’t remember shit. It’s so exhausting. Then, after the event or meeting, I would rush to a bar and finish my day drinking to ease the anxiety, as well as tell myself I deserved it for “doing my job”.
There is so much anxiety in the world of sales. It’s almost inhumane, and not for the weak of heart. It used to feel like I was playing a part. I had to read my lines, get into character, and exude confidence through every cell of my body. I had to be H. Ryan, Ultimate Badass, Guru, Genius and Expert of Everything. Yeah… that gets old. You know what doesn’t get old? Working hard, knowing your shit cold, having your clothes pressed and ready, and waking up hours before your meeting to make sure your work gets done before, with coffee in hand! Yes. This is how I am suppose to do business. There is pressure still, sure. But not because I am covering up alcoholism. Not because I am faking confidence and knowledge. I DO know what the eff I’m talking about, and I don’t need to play a role. I am me. SHIT! I can rock at this, be myself, and be at peace. YES!
As I was driving home, proud of myself I must admit, I received some texts from my old friend. My dear friend. He and I are both friends of Bill’s and I just adore him when he is sober. We really get each other, and don’t have to be any kind of way when we are together. We met for lunch at the place across from my apartment, and then went swimming in my pool. It was the middle of the day, and I’m swimming with one of the best people that I know, just enjoying the freaking day! There were sparks, as there always is with him, but that aside, I had fun. We both were able to breathe, and just chill.
I felt beautiful, smart, interesting, and like I want to be the best version of myself with this person. I don’t have to apologize every five seconds for being “me”. We joked about dating people and what happens once they find out about AA… we have had similar experiences. He struggles with everything that I do, yet it’s not a bitchfest when we talk about it. We also don’t limit our talks to just AA topics either- which can be downright impossible when you hang out with folks like us in that club. He and I knew each other too well in the old world. The old life. Now, it’s so fun to see eachother grow into better people almost at the same time. This is what support is. We are genuinely proud of each other. I asked him about trust today. I asked him about consistency. Immediately he thought I was asking whether he was trustworthy and whether he was consistent. He misunderstood. Every single day with X, I feel, no felt, that I had to prove to him that he could trust I wouldn’t slip or ruin something with my attitude, my intensity. I was asking whether he could trust in me.
Without batting an eye, he said that he trusted me. He has no choice but to. He has blind faith, (his words) and he trusts me and trusts in me completely. Wow, finally someone trusts me. Trusts in me. He believes in me. Wow. I never knew how much I had been missing that. My God, I have been living in a world surrounded by people who don’t trust me, let alone trust in me.
I can spend time with people that are not analyzing me and my emotions as though I am some experiment under a microscope. I can spend time with people that treat me like a normal, human being. I can spend time with people that after we leave, I feel GOOD! I can do these things!
We told each other how proud were were of one another. Proud. That is another strong word. I felt the genuine quality of his words. Also, pool time is sexy… He left for work, and to my surprise, he bought me a new book! The book that we talked about today. He actually bought me a present. I don’t know what to say, other than, damn and thank you.
Speechless in a good way…
Love and Light!